Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
