A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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