I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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