I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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