She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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