so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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