I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
