i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
