ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
