I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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