I skipped work to stalk him.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
