Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
