I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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