if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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