If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
