i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
