I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
