totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
