is your mom at the bar?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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