Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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