dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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