i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
