he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
