Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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