Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
