you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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