For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
