I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
