Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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