I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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