So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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