she woke up with a sticky ear
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
