Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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