i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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