wanna go halves on a baby?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
