My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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