I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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