Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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