Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
