i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I want a musical about memes.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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