There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
