Having a random hookup so left but love u
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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