The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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