You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
