Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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