i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You're breaking my sexual little heart
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!