i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
