my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
