he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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