i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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