By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
