I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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