I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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