I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
