Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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