I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
