shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
